The Amazing Superblog

Shhh… gonna be a quick post.  I’ve been hiding in the Diablo’s warehouse HQ for a few hours now.  Wish I could become invisible, but I can’t.  I’m in a mostly-dark corner of the room by the ceiling, so hopefully none of the dorks down there can see me.

Anyway, sounds like a meeting going on down there.  I see that guy with the big awesome demon mask on talking to a few guys in suits.  Demon mask probably still has my dry cleaning ticket…  There’s also a handful of the lame henchmen Diablos are roaming around too, maybe on patrol of the room, but I think more likely they’re cleaning.  Probably KP duty for not beating up She-Troll and letting me escape.  Screw ’em.

I don’t have super-hearing, so I can’t hear everything they’re talking about.  A few comments wafting up my way though, like “big plans for the city” and “they won’t recover from this one.”

I’m also anxiously looking for my dry cleaning ticket.  That’s the biggest reason I’m in here.  Need that damn suit for an interview tomorrow.  Have to get a job so I can actually have a life beyond pretending to be a good superhero.

And here they go, leaving the room.  Meeting must be all done.  Something something about “meet later with the boss.”  Boss?  I thought demon-mask was the boss.  I’ll check in again when I know more.

I must have spent the past 24 hours searching all over for She-Troll.  I flew over the park she blasted me with that laser beam gun thing at least a dozen times, and even went back to the sniper point she first saw me.

Of course I get a call for a job interview now, when I can’t pick up my suit.  Interview is tomorrow at some blah-blah office job that no one ever thinks is a great place to make a career, but the pay is decent and skills needed are minimal.  But anyway, it pays and now I need to get my suit before I go in.

Blasted She-Troll.

Anyway, my good ol’ antagonists were back at their old tricks.  Diablos were making noise down in the Warehouse district.  Police communications were lit up over their shenanigans.  Graffiti, harassing senior citizens, kicking puppies.  Normal low-priority, high-volume stupid stuff they normally do.  Mostly just being jerks to everyone they see than causing chaos.  Which makes sense, they ARE jerks.

So down to the Warehouse district I went.  Have I mentioned that I love having the ability to fly?  Makes up for what happened next, kinda.  The woosh of wind through your hair while you’re propelled in the air toward your destination.  Geez, even turning is fun… I swear, flying is the best thing ever.

So Diablos aren’t much for subtlety.  Just zipping down the main strip in the Warehouse district, they’re obviously just causing problems to everyone they can see right there.  *POW* and I dive-bombed right into the first group of three.  They were trying to steal some old lady’s purse.  I may or may not have broken any of their bones, but really I don’t care that much.  I just popped a force field around both myself and the old lady before landing my punch.  Only Diablos were injured here.  I wonder if they have group insurance or something.

With the initial first group out of the way, it was easy to see a lot of other little gatherings of Diablos all over the place.  Part of me suspected they were just trying to convince some super-person to come at them, they were just all right up there in public and easy to find.  But obviously the first group was just bait.

*CLANG* when I tried dive-bombing the second time.  I’m sure if my force field was visible, it would have shattered all over the place.  Looked like the Diablos had their own force field in place somehow.  Stronger than mine, since theirs didn’t shatter when I careened into them.  That’s a sign of trouble, actually.  My force-bubbles wouldn’t be able to get through to them.  What was I supposed to do, entertain them by flying around?

“HAIIIIIIIIII-YAAAA!” a voice behind me screamed as it approached with a sonic boom toward the force field.  It wasn’t quite a “splat” noise when she landed, but there was She-Troll plopping herself on the force field.  She was impressive too, stuck to the side instead of sliding down like I did.  She must have some sticky boots or anti-grav or something.

She pulled out a dagger that sparked with electricity as She-Troll held it in the air for a fraction of a second.  *BLAM* she thrust it into the Diablo’s force field and the whole thing exploded in a ball of electricity.

That was my sign.  I popped another force field up on myself and launched toward the center of the activity.  Whatever the Diablos had creating the field must be around there somewhere.

I saw She-Troll plunging toward the ground, having been tossed in the air after slashing the field, like she was a rag doll.  Obviously unconscious.

“Oh, shit,” I thought.  Couldn’t let her die, even though She-Troll is now my personal arch-nemesis.  I guess that would make my life boring or something.  So I turned almost 180 and summoned a light force field to cushion her fall.  Thinking back, maybe I should have just done a full strength one and let her BAM into it, maybe giving her a black eye.  But I’m a good guy, I couldn’t be that mean.  It was light and fluffy, like a cloud.  She-Troll was cushioned comfortably as she landed on the ground.  No injuries at all from the fall.

That was all they needed though.  Diablos clocked me on the back of the head — stupid them, I had my force field up.  Still, the impact kind of dazed me for a second.

She-Troll somehow bounced off the force cushion and landed on top of the Diablo with the biggest mask on.  It had horns and fire coming out of the mouth and eyes.  Like, really spooky impressive awesome mask.  He was probably the ringleader, since everyone else had crappy cowboy masks on.  Not this guy, he just looked bad-ass.

I’m still not sure if she planned it or was just extremely lucky.  She-Troll landed right on top of the supposed leader of the Diablos.  Like, right on his shoulders, ready to smack the bejeezus out of him.

*SIZZZZZZZZLE!!!* and the leader let off something like an impulse bomb or shock wave or something weird like that.  Enough to have She-Troll launch a few feet in the air and land roughly on the ground.  At least she got a little roughed up from the encounter, and I could sleep knowing it wasn’t my fault.  Oh, I probably could have done another force cushion… but…

So here I am looking at the whole thing like a goofball.  The Diablo leader reaches into She-Troll’s utility belt and pulls out a wad of something.  Money?  Lottery tickets?

OH MY GOD… THAT’S MY DRY CLEANING TICKET.

And like an idiot, I’m standing there screaming at all the Diablos as they flicker in some kind of teleportation device to escape.

FML.  I’m going to smack She-Troll into next month.

My head hurts. It’s probably because I have a big imprint of a boot firmly planted clear on the right side of my face. Not like a sneaker, mind you. Work boots. You can see the fine details of the treading and traction. At least I didn’t get stomped on my nose, probably would have broken it in 80 pieces. And then what would I do, not having this money-maker in such fine condition? (I kid, under my mask I look like a moose with bad skin.)

Anyway, like I said, I woke up in a furniture store showroom after getting clocked in the noggin by someone’s rubber-soled clog. Splitting headache, and I was hoping to be productive today. I still need to find me a job, because super-heroing doesn’t pay the rent. I was hoping to look around and hopefully at least find something to pay bills, even if it’s sloshing coffee or gathering dirty dishes. Always easier to find a job when you have one, so the key is getting that first position. Superheroes have to eat too, you know. Well except for Summonstro, he can just summon his own food from whatever creepy smelly dimension he’s connected to.

So I dragged myself out of what was probably the most comfortable bed I’ve slept in for weeks — mine is completely crap compared to this one. It was getting close to opening time, and last thing someone wants to see when opening their store in the morning is some dude wearing tights and a mask roaming around the store. I’d most likely have at least one call to the cops put in about me, and don’t even want to know what they’d report I was doing.

The rest of my morning, I had nothing going on.  So might as well do one of my favorite things.  I feel bad for people that don’t have the ability to fly, it’s really awesome.  Doug Adams pretty much had it right, flying is exactly throwing yourself at the ground and missing.  So I missed the ground and launched myself into the air, and instantly forgot about the pounding sensation in my face.

I’ll say it again, being able to fly is awesome.

So of course, no good morning is uninterrupted if you’re a superhero.  I was cruising over the park a second time when BLAM… sonic ray laser zaps me right in the chest.  Those things sting.  It wasn’t so high-powered to really injure me, but it burned a hole in my shirt and bonked me off course a little.  I probably would have crashed into a tree if I were lower even.

I circled back around the park, and another ray blasted toward me.  This one missed (barely) but I saw where it was coming from.  So did my normal, popped a force field and barreled down toward the shooter.  I’m not always stupid, sometimes I remember I can do that force field thing.

I’m not sure I really remember what the shooter yelled at me.  “Traitor” and “Jerk” are par for the course, so I’m sure those were in the mix.  Something about blah blah blah sucking all the air out of the room, looking for attention and being a media hound.  So of course I do what any superhero would do.  I fire off a force field ball in that direction.

Direct hit!  Sometimes I’m good.  I knocked the perpetrator to the ground.  Time to go in for the kill.  Or the stern talking-to, since good guys don’t kill.

I yanked off the mask, and flowing red hair accompanied by a big honkin’ nose COMPLETE WITH WART popped out.  It was both pure awesome and totally disgusting, I bet it was fake.

“Beware the She-Troll,” she yelled.  And blast it, she went to kick me in the face.

“You evil bitch,” I yelled at her.  Ducking to avoid a second collision of my money maker and Army surplus footwear.

And that was that.  I only looked away for a second.  But when I spun my head around, the She-Troll was gone.  Maybe she can turn invisible, to hide that nasty face.  I still think it’s fake.